I’m currently travelling for business reasons. I do this rather often, though fortunately not as much as I used to. I’ve been pretty much everywhere at one time or another and I can honestly say that I’ve yet to be bitten by the “hey look at me, I travel a lot so I must be important” bug.
I’d rather be at home actually.
That said, I’ve been pondering a few things this trip:
- How is it that in 2013 there are still airport security personnel that don’t know what a ultrabook, ultraportable laptop, or MacBook Air is and don’t understand that they don’t contain a physical hard drive. And no matter how many times you look at that cool little cheat sheet with the diagram of a 2003 Dell Inspiron, you’re not going to find all of those same parts when you examine my Mac?
- When will airport security make up its mind whether or not the iPad is or is not a laptop and instruct me to either keep it in my bag or remove it accordingly? I don’t care which way you want to go, just standardize your goddamn rules.
- How is a small tube of toothpaste any less deadly than a large tube of toothpaste?
- Why do hotels that refer to themselves as “resorts” always have scratchier towels and impossibly cheaper bottles of budget brand soap, shampoo, and conditioner?
- When will I learn to bring my own soap, shampoo, and conditioner?
- How come my shitting schedule gets thrown out the window simply because I sat on my ass for several hours and got out of my chair in a different time zone? And what is the best way to return it to normal?
- Why is it legal for powdered eggs to be called eggs at all?
- Who are these Road Warriors® that are satisfied with only 2 cups of shitty hotel room coffee? Sure, it says it makes 4 cups but that’s only if you’re drinking it out of DIXIE® Brand 3oz. containers.
- Is my wifi-only iPad mini really going to make the plane crash if I’m reading a book on it during takeoff? If so, I demand that the tree-hating assholes reading paperbacks be required to put their books down during takeoff and landing – and we should all sit upright and stare straight ahead like the little lemming-zombies you want us to be.
- Why can’t I pay for the in-flight high school cafeteria quality food with cash? Or, better still, why do you hire flight attendants that can’t be trusted to: a) make correct change, and b) not steal from you.
- Is there anywhere I can fly directly to from Portland International Airport? I hate stopovers.
- Why does it seem like half of the females over 30 take business travel way too seriously? The other half are casual and friendly, what the fuck is your excuse for acting like you’re all that … you’re in economy class, honey, sit down and shut up. No one is impressed.
- (Continued) Why is it that those same self-important females over 30 act like they haven’t had sex in a decade and try to touch, fondle, flirt with, and fuck every other guy in the room?
- (Continued) And finally…why do those same women (yes, I’m still on this, sorry) act so put off when you decline their advances? I’m sorry you’re hideous and live a meaningless existence but that’s no excuse to be a fucking asshole to someone just because they don’t want to “go for a few drinks and see where it leads.” I know exactly where it leads – and I’m sure a few hundred other men probably do too. Go away. Stay away. Fuck off.
- Why does the familiarity of McDonald’s seem so goddamn comforting just because I’m away from home? I don’t eat it when I am at home, so why does it remind me of home?
- The wireless carriers lie – their coverage is pretty much spotty and shitty everywhere.
- Why must I always call my bank before I travel so that they don’t shut off my debit and credit cards? Seriously, they should know by now that I travel from time to time – it’s none of their fucking business when or where.
Bon Voyage, bitches.