NOTE: Even though part of my current job description is to write for a quasi-popular advertising and marketing site, there are times when my particular views and opinions on that industry are: a) a little too harsh, b) a little on the unpopular side, or c) well, I just use the word “fuck” too much. This is one of those times.
Why are you so-called “marketing gurus” sending me a copy of your fucking home page via email?
I understand that we’re a highly visual species. We like big, bold, pretty images and the like – who doesn’t? But it’s also been understood for as long as most of us have been using email that big, bold, pretty images show up looking like this when they arrive in our inbox:
What the fuck is that?
Oh, I get it, you actually thought you, your company, and its stupid little promotions were important enough to me that I would click the “show images” button just to see what you’re trying to sell me, didn’t you? Maybe you even thought that I would click “Always display images from…” and your marketing bullshit would automatically not look like ass every time you send it?
What you were trying to send me was this:
Wait a minute.
What the fuck?
This goddamn thing looks like a page out of a magazine, but did I order a magazine subscription from you? Did I want to visit your fucking website? Was it worth my time, my mouse click, and my bandwidth to view your design interns’ half-assed pet marketing project?
If your answer to any of the questions above was anything other than “no” you have greatly overestimated your own value to me – particularly when I’m receiving over half of my emails on a bandwidth-capped mobile device.
How fucking arrogant are you?
The design above (and others just like it) is an insult. It’s design for designs sake, nothing more. It was probably put together to grab my attention and it didn’t. What I saw was nothing more than a black void with a bunch of scattered blue text in it – it was up to me to see the rest and frankly, I don’t fucking care. I only ever clicked “show images” so that I could write about it here.
You’re wasting your time. More importantly, you’re wasting my time.
Email marketing can be effective, I know this because I take advantage of deals I receive via email all the time.
But this crap? It doesn’t work. It will never work.
All this email campaign (and others like it) says to me is that you, the company trying to solicit my business and get a hold of my money, are stuck in the past and don’t give two fucks about my needs whatsoever.