I already have a baby so when I say “I have baby envy” it’s not because I want a baby, I have one, it’s that I actually envy the baby, my baby, well technically I guess I envy pretty much any baby really.

What does that mean?

  • I want to be able to freely overeat and receive praise for it.
  • I want to immediately fall asleep after aforementioned overeating…and receive praise for it.
  • I want to be able to sleep with my mouth open and snore and have it still be considered cute.
  • I want to be able to wipe my nose on anyone or anything and have it laughed off as no big deal.
  • I want to smash things and be told that it’s ok to do so, regardless of the damage I cause.
  • I want to leave every room looking like a tornado just blew through it, confident in the knowledge that someone will pick up after me shortly thereafter.
  • I want my farts to be considered humorous.

Yeah, babies have it pretty damn good – diaper rash aside. I’d refrain from pissing or pooping myself and I’d rather shower than take a bath (and preferably without assistance thank you very much), and I’ll stick with solid foods too, thanks.

But otherwise, yeah, I have baby envy.

The little creeps have it pretty good if you ask me.

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