Learn To Make Money Or Shut The Fuck Up

A friend of mine forwarded me an email about the closing of Jux today:

Your work has brought meaning to us, to millions of others, and hopefully to you. By providing a creative layer on top of words and images, Jux has helped you build narratives, hold attention, and connect people.

Unfortunately, Jux has not grown enough to attract further investment. The service will close on August 31, 2013. Until then, you may retrieve your photos, words, and links here.

We apologize for the mammoth inconvenience and trust your stories will continue.

Respectfully yours,
Ted, on behalf of the Jux team

I think the important part of the email is:

“Jux has not grown enough to attract further investment.”

Jux opened in August 2011.

Did they have a business strategy? Not really.

Did they make money? No.

Were they ever going to make money? Probably not.

Then what was the point? Oh! Why it was to get an “exit” of course! You build something that no one wants, using money that isn’t yours, and sell it off to the highest bidder – like Tumblr sold to Yahoo!

Of course you’d probably have better luck playing Powerball – particularly if you’re a VC or angel investor.

Seriously, do the math; it’s got to be a better investment if you’ve money to burn and would rather not do anything philanthropic with it.

PS – Extra credit if you’ve never heard of Jux before and can tell me what the fuck they even did in the first place.

Applesauce Time Lapse

Binge Television Viewing Addiction Issues…

thewireI’ve been binge viewing television shows for a long, long time so it’s hardly a new phenomena to me.

That said, it’s sometimes hard to find shows that are binge-worthy; my last binge was actually a re-binge of The Shield, because I wasn’t finding much else that seemed to justify my time – including Justified.

And then it was recommended that I watch The Wire.

Holy. Fuck.

How did I manage to miss out on this for ten years?

Now I spend my days waiting… waiting… until I can watch another episode.

Crafty Lady

Those of you on Twitter might already be aware that the old lady does a lot of crafty stuff.

The rest of you probably have no clue.

Either way, she makes pretty bitchin’ creations, like this Star Wars bag.

Granted, it’s a bag so it’s not like would carry it around, I don’t do the man-purse thing.

Still, it’s pretty neato.

starwars-grocery-store

If you’re into that sort of thing, visit her site: sewbeckyjo.com

 

Top 10 Things Every Social Media Expert Should Know

  1. If you were really a master in the art of conversation you’d have friends – you know, real friends.
  2. If yours was really a well-respected opinion you wouldn’t need to be on social media networks as much as you are.
  3. You use the word “engagement” more than you actually engage.
  4. Of the 9,000+ people following you on Twitter, 14 are real people.
  5. Of the 14 real people following you on Twitter, 3 are paying attention.
  6. Your demographic (of 3 people, mind you) consists of:
    33% high school students dreaming of working in your “industry”
    67% real life shut-ins like yourself
  7. Someday your spouse will figure out that you’re never going to get a real job and leave your ass. Said spouse has already started banging someone else anyway because he/she tired of you and your mid-coitus social media status updates.
  8. Re-tweeting isn’t thinking for yourself.
  9. No one gives a fuck, have you not figured this out yet?
  10. Posting lame “Top 10″ lists on your blog is a sure sign that you’re a fucking loser – confirming the suspicions of everyone around you. ;)

Zombie Baby

Jessie vs. Technology

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Where’s Zoe?

Well, she thinks she’s scary anyway…

I thought this was a joke, it isn’t…

From the blog of ex-Groupon CEO Andrew Mason:

Screen Shot 2013-05-17 at 6.53.34 AM

Obviously Andrew is down with what’s hip with the kids these days. In light of this, I’m composing and recording my own album, Hardly Worth It, about Groupon stock.

9 reasons I am incapable of writing about personal things on the Internet anymore…

I am incapable of writing about personal things on the Internet anymore because…

  • …I quit drinking nearly a year and a half ago and my courage came out in my pee.
  • …I’m too caught up in all the excitement over this new Star Wars Edge of Darkness 3D movie that’s coming out any minute now.
  • …I get three paragraphs in and realize that I don’t remember how to write without relying on a plethora of meaningless descriptors meant to deceive you into thinking my I.Q. is over 100 when in fact I’m mostly just uninteresting.
  • …Yahoo sold Geocities, leaving me without a website.
  • …someone else already wrote something better about the same topic – proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m not nearly as unique as I thought I was just 10 minutes ago.
  • …my parents might read it, now that they know how to find my blog on the Google.
  • …Firefox needs to restart and install an update.
  • …I read Twitter and now my problems seem trivial in comparison.
  • …no one likes to read anymore. But fear not, I have a Pinterest account where I’ve posted pictures of weed.

Review: Toonish Black Cat iPhone 5 Case

DSC01808

And now for something completely different…

It’s really never occurred to me to try a novelty iPhone case. It’s not that I don’t find them interesting; I guess I’ve just never thought of myself as the target market. Then again, given my laundry list of iPhone 5 case misfortunes (read the full sob story here), I’ve been pretty much willing to try anything – so why not take the opportunity to take the Toonish Black Cat iPhone 5 case ($8.00 at EZ Buys Direct) for a spin?

There’s something oddly amusing about being an adult male with a cute cat case. Yes, it screams “hey look at me, I’m an attention-seeker,” there’s no doubt about that. But at the same time, it’s sort of funny to watch people struggle with whether or not to ask you about it. Most don’t, but the few that do seem to get that it’s a gag and all in fun. Obviously if I were a teenager I probably wouldn’t get the same reactions – I’m sure cases like the Toonish Black Cat are common among younger age groups – but still, it’s been an interesting study in peoples’ reactions.

DSC01810Aesthetically it’s cute, there’s no denying it. It’s so cute in fact that my 15-month old daughter has been relentless in her efforts to acquire the case and call it her own – even though she doesn’t have an iPhone (yet). I consider that a plus, believe it or not; my kid is picky and doesn’t obsess over just anything. Huge points scored there. It’s definitely a hit.

So it’s cute and it’s a little awkward for an adult male to carry around, that’s great; how well does it protect the iPhone 5? The short answer: extremely well.

The Toonish Black Cat case is made of silicone so it’s flexible and easy to secure onto your iPhone. Once fitted, the edges and back of your iPhone 5 are very well protected thanks to the shock-resistant design inside the case (see photo).

DSC01807Like most silicone iPhone cases, the fit is a little looser around the screen itself, allowing for easy removal; this also means that you’re probably going to want to apply a decent screen protector to your iPhone if you use this case because, while it protects the screen from direct “flat” impact, it isn’t built to prevent a whole lot of screen impact. I can attest to the durability of the Toonish Black Cat case though, my daughter managed to successfully get a hold of my iPhone about a half dozen times while I was testing the case and my iPhone survived each time.

Now for the secondary test: how would my friend Sabrina like the case? Sabrina is sort of like Mikey – that kid from Life cereal. Sabrina will try it; Sabrina will try anything. And she can get away with carrying around a cute cat case a little easier than I can.

SABRINA’S COMMENTS:

Pros:

  • It’s cute – I got two compliments on it right away
  • It’s lightweight
  • I liked the ‘feet’ of the cat – it made it a bit easier to grip
  • I thought the ears would bother me sticking out as much as they do but haven’t had an issue with them.
  • It would make for a great case for those with little kids – they can chew on the ears if they need to and not damage the phone.

Cons:

  • It’s made of silicone so while it’s easy to grip, it collects everything. I put it in my pocket and it got fuzzies all over it.
  • It makes the on/off button at the top a bit harder to get to. It would be great if it stuck out a little more like the volume buttons do.

CONCLUSION

if you’re looking for a novelty case for your iPhone 5 you could do a lot worse than the Toonish Black Cat case from EZ Buys Direct. It’s definitely a worthwhile case for those looking for something different or a conversation starter; and at only $8.00 it’s pretty hard to beat. Despite it’s obvious “cute” factor it provides pretty good protection, certainly more so than at least two of the iPhone 5 cases I’ve owned so far – both of which cost at least three times as much money.

Review: Samsung Galaxy Note 2

I’ve been using the Samsung Galaxy Note 2 “phablet” for about a month now.

Time for a review.

I can do it in three words:

Brick. Of. Shit.

Done.

Am I trolling? No.

Am I anti-Samsung? No, I loved my Galaxy S2.

I just really, really fucking hate this phone.

I hate everything about it.

Everything.

1 million

I failed to notice that my blog hit 1 million views on Monday. I guess that’s good, I don’t know. It’s only been up in this form since around November if I remember right.

Anyway, being the stat-freak that I am, here’s some (not very) interesting statistics:

1211808846TOP 10 POSTS OF THE PAST 30 DAYS:

  1. That’s great, but what about the podcast?
  2. My fair and honest review of Windows 8, the most amazing operating system of all time
  3. Smokers are the cockroaches of the communication apocalypse
  4. Dear Craigslist, why won’t you just buy my f**king Android tablet?
  5. My unscientific study of Portlanders’ tech of choice
  6. Review: Jaybird Freedom JF4 Bluetooth Earbuds
  7. The art of eating pussy
  8. Explaining your occupation to your parents isn’t as easy as it used to be
  9. The business travel bad & ugly… because there ain’t anything good about it
  10. Screw PETA. Here’s more animals I’d like to slaughter in Assassin’s Creed IV

 TOP 10 SEARCH TERMS THAT LANDED YOU ON MY BLOG:

  1. robert wagner
  2. portland sucks
  3. windows 8 sucks
  4. pussy art
  5. windows 8 worst os ever
  6. fuck you and your instagram
  7. jaybird jf4 review
  8. lacie porsche review
  9. barbara markay
  10. jerramy stevens

YOU READ THIS JUNK WITH:

  1. Windows (32%)
  2. Mac (29%)
  3. Linux (1%)
  4. iOS (34%)
  5. Android (4%)

 

“That’s Great, But What About The Podcast?”

That seems to be the question I’m asked the most lately.

Let me put it this way: You can go ahead and unsubscribe to the current podcast feed if you haven’t already. I’d hate to be using even 1/14,000th of a CPU cycle in your PC or your tablet or your smartphone.

There will be no more Portland Sucks podcast.

Instead there will be something different.

There will be no fanfare, no announcements, no bullshit.

I’m going to start over like the past 4 years never happened.

From zero.

If for some reason you’re still interested in my endeavors and want to be informed of when the reset happens, fill out the dead simple form below. You’ll be sent an email asking you to confirm. Don’t worry, I won’t spam you, I’ll simply send you a URL once everything is underway.



An Observation About Social Media…

Have you ever noticed that the same people that whine as follows…

 

  • “If all you’re going to do is tweet about what you’re doing, I wish you wouldn’t tweet at all!”
  • “Instagram is stupid. It’s just people taking pictures of their food!”
  • “I hate Facebook. Everyone on there is just posting stupid meme pictures!”

…are the same fucking people that never shut up about trivial shit like the summer movie season?

Eat A Dick, Salon Success Strategies

This is just lazy.

salon-bullshit

I have an appreciation for SPAM when it’s at least somewhat clever. That’s not to say that I like it, or that I like receiving it, I’m just ever-so-slightly more impressed when people actually bother to do a little bit of research.

Much like Shaq’s biological, the dicks at www.salonsuccessstrategies.com didn’t bother.

I love how it starts out: “If you are not a spa, salon or medi-spa or you want to unsubscribe to this and future emails…”

Do I look like a fucking medi-spa to you, asshole? What, so now it’s a thing to blindly send this shit out into the Internet figuring that sooner or later you’re going to end up hitting a fucking salon or two? As if I subscribed to your fucking mailing list in the first place?

Lazy pricks.

One good turn deserves another: I cordially invite you to verbally assault Salon Success Strategies at the official Twitter account of Salon Success Strategies: @SalonBusiness

R.I.P. Adobe Creative Suite

R.I.P. Adobe Creative Suite

No sooner do I cancel my subscription to Creative Cloud when Adobe decides to kill of the retail version of their Creative Suite software altogether in favor of a subscription-only model.

Apparently the idea of receiving between $49 – $79 per user per month is much more appealing to the company than those one-off payments that usually run thousands of dollars.

Strange timing, but not entirely unexpected.

While there hasn’t been any “official” word from what I’ve seen, I’ve long suspected that Adobe is hurting – and hurting badly – for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the rapid decline in the use of Flash over the past few years.

Adobe makes great software, there’s no denying that, but $600 per year is still a lot to swallow for a lot of their users. It’ll be interesting to see how well they do with a subscription-only model but I don’t see it helping matters much. I liked the service quite a bit while I had it but the alternative apps out there are getting to the point where they’re good enough (and in some cases better) to compete with Adobe’s offerings.

CenturyLink Can Suck It, Time For A New ISP

I probably could have simply tweeted my frustrations below but I wanted a permanent record made of my dissatisfaction.

fuckemI’ve been with CenturyLink now for about a year. In that time I had 10 months of mostly trouble-free Internet connectivity. Granted, the speeds aren’t the greatest, particularly when it comes to uploading (128k? ugh) but I’ve had few reasons to complain.

And then last month it all changed.

Disconnects – sometimes 2-3 times per day through the month of April.

Today, during the single most important day of my work-from-home-Internet-using-month, I’ve had 10 disconnects between 8 a.m. and 1:30 p.m. as I’m writing this.

Whatever happened to “always on” Internet?

What a crock of shit.

I’m back to Comcast effective tomorrow…and it pains me to say that.

My child is a genius…

zoeeatingIt has been said that it takes children some 15 to 20 tries (or more) to learn to like new foods.

I’m not sure whether I believe that or not because I’ve watched children try something new and like it immediately – sometimes to the point where they become obsessive about the food item in question and want only that food for a time.

That said, my kid doesn’t fuck around when it comes to food.

This afternoon I watched her put a pinto bean in her mouth, make a face, and take it back out 17 times.

Yes, I counted.

17 times.

This means my child either has the worst short-term memory in the history of the world, or she just wanted to get it the fuck over with and convince us that she never, ever wants another fucking shitty pinto bean put in front of her again in this lifetime.

I’m going with the latter.

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